Late-night’s best: Napolitano says Homeland Security on guard almost every day; Obama’s gift for Hu Jintao

Leno: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano says her department is working 24/7 364 days a year to protect the United States. Uh….

Conan: New dog owner survey — 70% give their dog Christmas presents. The most popular pet gift is a plastic bone. The least popular = a Michael Vick jersey.

Fallon: Madame Tussaud’s has a new gallery of all 44 U.S. presidents in wax. Obama’s was so real that Joe Biden spent an hour telling him about his weekend.

Fallon: China’s President Hu Jintao turns 68. President Obama was….

…going to get him a nice gift. But it’s a little awkward buying someone a gift with their own money.
Conan: A German airport recently hired clowns to entertain grumpy passengers whose flights had been delayed. None of the clowns survived.

Letterman: This week was the actual anniversary of the pilgrims’ landing on Plymouth Rock. They had a very tough sea voyage. Crude living conditions. And then that first winter they lost everything at an Indian casino.

Conan: The U.S. Senate votes to allow gay soldiers in the military. Great news for gays. Bad news for straight troops planning to say they were gay to get out.

Leno: President Obama read his new children’s book to a school class. But it didn’t go well. Fifty-four percent of the kids disapproved and 83% felt tDemocrat Barack Obama enjoying a good pre-election laughhe story line was headed in the wrong direction

Conan: A new study reports that having casual sex does not kill your chances of having a warm, fulfilling, long-term relationship with that person. The study was published by the Institute of Guys.

Leno: A 103-year-old woman is the oldest Facebook user. She believes you’re never too old to waste the little time you have left.

Leno: Congratulations to singer Shania Twain. She’s engaged now to the ex-husband of the woman her own husband left her for. Now, that’s the ultimate re-gifting.

Conan: One of the most popular TV shows in Afghanistan now is a police drama. The show is called, “Murder, She Wasn’t Permitted to Write.”

Conan: Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband is trying to release a sex tape he made of the two of them. Jennifer Lopez says she plans to keep people from seeing the movie by promoting it heavily.

Letterman: Two new WikiLeaks shockers: Ricky Martin is gay. Also apparently China is trying to censor the Internet. Wow, that’s not the China I know.

Conan: Sad news tonight about American education: A new study finds that U.S. teens rank 25th on a global math test out of 34 countries. When they heard this, American teens said, “Like there’s 34 countries?”

Fallon: So the 2012 Ford Focus can be upholstered in denim. One problem, people keep ordering a car one size too small, hoping eventually they’ll fit.

Conan: Time Warner Cable is testing a new premium service that sets a specific time for the cable installer to arrive at your home. You have a choice of two times: “Winter” or “Spring.”

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